Parents - Eyeglasses

Special Parent Special Child Vol. 5, No. 1 Jan/Feb 1989

The presence of a handicapped child has an impact on the entire family. The increased responsibility and demands on the time that accompany meeting the unique needs of the special child often disrupt and erode family ties. Siblings as well as parents frequently experience mingled feelings of concern, dismay and very often guilt. In this issue we will focus on easing the strain of having a disabled brother or sister and how parents can handle sibling relationships effectively so that each family member has the opportunity to function in a climate that fosters growth, compassion and bondedness.

Sibling Relationships

The Older Sibling
The knowledge that the eagerly awaited new baby has been born with problems is so traumatic to the parents that they frequently neglect the needs of the older sibling. Parents mistakenly assume they are protecting the siblings by avoiding or denying the situation. However, parents should be aware that all children have a "sixth sense" and can often tell by their parents' body language, grim looks and preoccupation that something is amiss. The fact that the birth of a baby sister or brother has generated sorrow and not joy is just as painful to the sibling. Unless parents present the fact as clearly as possible, siblings not only worry needlessly, their reaction to the baby's arrival is cast with anxiety and fear. The medical terminology used to describe the baby's condition is frequently confusing to the siblings and this too can add to their apprehension. Many siblings, for example, are afraid they can catch their brother's or sister's disability unless they are given clear-cut explanations geared to their level of understanding.

Often siblings hold irrational fears that something they said or did has caused the baby's disability. An overlay of guilt thus clouds their attitude towards the baby right from the beginning.

New babies require much time and attention even in normal circumstances. When the baby is born with a disabling condition even more care is required. Siblings are apt to feel shunted aside and even unloved. In later years many siblings confide that their earliest memories of their disabled brother's or sister's infancy were so filled with anger, worry or jealous feelings, that they felt guilty about having been born normal.

The Younger Sibling
Younger siblings often fare better. Because the handicapped child was there first, the younger sibling has no adjustment to his entry into the family constellation. The routine of caring for the disabled child is usually firmly in place and thus the younger sibling does not perceive his handicapped brother or sister as a disruption. The younger sibling often considers his older handicapped brother or sister as a playmate largely because their functional abilities are for a time equally matched. Even so, younger siblings will need concrete and simple explanations about the nature and outcome of their sibling's disability, especially as the younger sibling grows up and outdistances his older brother or sister.

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