Special Parent Special
Child Vol. 5, No. 1 Jan/Feb 1989
The presence of a handicapped child has an impact on the entire family.
The increased responsibility and demands on the time that accompany meeting
the unique needs of the special child often disrupt and erode family ties.
Siblings as well as parents frequently experience mingled feelings of
concern, dismay and very often guilt. In this issue we will focus on easing
the strain of having a disabled brother or sister and how parents can
handle sibling relationships effectively so that each family member has
the opportunity to function in a climate that fosters growth, compassion
and bondedness.
Sibling Relationships
The Older Sibling
The knowledge
that the eagerly awaited new baby has been born with problems is so traumatic
to the parents that they frequently neglect the needs of the older sibling.
Parents mistakenly assume they are protecting the siblings by avoiding
or denying the situation. However, parents should be aware that all children
have a "sixth sense" and can often tell by their parents' body
language, grim looks and preoccupation that something is amiss. The fact
that the birth of a baby sister or brother has generated sorrow and not
joy is just as painful to the sibling. Unless parents present the fact
as clearly as possible, siblings not only worry needlessly, their reaction
to the baby's arrival is cast with anxiety and fear. The medical terminology
used to describe the baby's condition is frequently confusing to the siblings
and this too can add to their apprehension. Many siblings, for example,
are afraid they can catch their brother's or sister's disability unless
they are given clear-cut explanations geared to their level of understanding.
Often siblings hold irrational fears that something they said or did has caused the baby's disability. An overlay of guilt thus clouds their attitude towards the baby right from the beginning.
New babies require much time and attention even in normal circumstances. When the baby is born with a disabling condition even more care is required. Siblings are apt to feel shunted aside and even unloved. In later years many siblings confide that their earliest memories of their disabled brother's or sister's infancy were so filled with anger, worry or jealous feelings, that they felt guilty about having been born normal.
The Younger Sibling
Younger siblings often fare better. Because the handicapped child
was there first, the younger sibling has no adjustment to his entry into
the family constellation. The routine of caring for the disabled child
is usually firmly in place and thus the younger sibling does not perceive
his handicapped brother or sister as a disruption. The younger sibling
often considers his older handicapped brother or sister as a playmate
largely because their functional abilities are for a time equally matched.
Even so, younger siblings will need concrete and simple explanations about
the nature and outcome of their sibling's disability, especially as the
younger sibling grows up and outdistances his older brother or sister.